Raptor Girls 006

So what is happening behind my back? It seems that whenever I start to glaze over my past someone keeps chiming in that they hold some magical piece to the puzzle that emphasizes their role in the coordination in Gangstalking, I keep hearing them say they feel safe, but there must be an entire account of decisions that were made behind my back that I was supposed to be responsible for, but because I am not there physically that it doesn’t effect my life. And this doesn’t surprise me as my family would meet with my old high school friends outside of my knowledge and possibly vent to them about how difficult I was being in the face of their ruthlessness and that my silence in my absence was to be filled with complaints. It seems that this was catalyst in someones rise to luxuries beyond my wildest imagination while all accountabilities and punishments for the loss of information were to land solely onto my lap, and any complaints or critiques I have are out of line, as the idea of me abandoning said situations and closed doors were ultimately well within my control, and that it wouldn’t have mattered if I had wanted to be apart of my own destiny because the perception of me mattered more than my actual feelings, even further, their feelings mattered more than mine, and I was to be made confused if I ever were to address any situations that have anything to do with me from those moments forward, not only confused, but shamed for ever inquiring about it, and that the people in control of an option that was once mine, is not to ever be put into question.

People that I once relied on looked at my self exploration as a chore, conversations that were supposed to involve me, when I look around, are nowhere to be found. Yet there are several strangers in my dreams and my waking life that are filling privileges that look as though they simply stepped into these roles naturally. Whatever this is was a set up and I was to be sabotaged if I couldn’t hack it as an audio engineer, mind you, this field is next to impossible to excel  in, even with a degree. And that my parents family and friends put the pressure of leading a comfortable life with support on not only what I would have to offer them but how I offered it to them, and if I did not meet their expectations that I was to be made and example of for the rest of my life by the entire network of those involved in the overtaking and submission of privileges that were ment for me the entire time.

“I messed up” is something I’ve heard over and over again for the past year. But nothing is happening, sure, someone out there is finally understanding their role in the equation, but no one is going to stand up against the people in positions of leverage to satisfy the problem(s) that are keeping me at a gross disadvantage while people are stepping into marriages, mortgages and promotions, because according to them they lives are more important than mine, so messing up to my assumption but be a simple feeling that can be replaced, just as my role in their lives was to be replaced.

I hope they enjoy their replacements I hope their decisions to “fix” my “mistakes” gives them the luxuries of the wildest imaginations, while I sit here to wallow in problems I didn’t make and build my life off the backs of beasts, while I am left to question what I did to deserve such horrible problems as if I should know better in problems and conversations I was left out of completely. 

I hope they feel so uncomfortable they lose focus on the privileges they care so much for that they needed to leave me out of them in fear I would ruin everything based off the gossip they all decided to share behind my back about other consequences that had nothing to do with my behaviors. That would be a good start to quell the injustices that are to this day held against me.